Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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