we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
