Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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