Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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