I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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