he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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