god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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