she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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