Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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