Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
