I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
