so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
