the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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