my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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