i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
