sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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