dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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