i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
