I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
