if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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