i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
