Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
