sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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