she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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