Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
