My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
please come you make the beer taste better
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
