His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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