Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
