Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
