Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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