Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
