So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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