there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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