I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
