Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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