woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
