i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
