Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
