YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
