He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
That was before I lit my hair on fire
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
