new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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