There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
not ubering you a puppy
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
