my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
