I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So apparently I’m into choking now
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