What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
