At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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