Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
