Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
