He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
