If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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