my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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