It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
