i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We just shotgunned beers for America
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
