I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
