If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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