dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
